EVERYTHING IíVE EVER LEARNED, IíVE LEARNED FROM STAR WARS
(or ... 150 important things Star Wars taught me about the universe)
By Simon H. Lee. Re-edited and compiled by Darren Maxwell
1. Never trust men in dark helmets.
2. It really isn't necessary to be fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.
3. You may have family members in surprisingly high positions.
4. Before kissing anybody, make sure they're not related to you.
5. Sometimes, you've just gotta do something that seems totally suicidal.
6. If you are a young hero, nothing can kill you.
7. Know the difference between power socket and a computer terminal.
8. This one goes there, and that one goes there!
9. Cute, cuddly, widdle teddy bears usually will eat you alive unless you can prove you're a god.
10. Always let a Wookiee win.
11. Never cast your lightsabre away, you just might need it
12. Don't attempt to handcuff someone larger than you.
13. Always pay off your debts in a hurry.
14. If some yells out "It's a trap!" then believe them.
15. Never stand on a trapdoor leading to a Rancor pit.
16. No disintegrationís.
17. Fire on a rebel base before they blow up your space station.
18. Don't assume a senior citizen is weak and frail; they may zap you with lightning bolts.
19. Never, never, never underestimate the power of the Dark Side.
20. You will find many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
21. No matter how deeply one falls into darkness, there is always hope for redemption.
22. Just when you think there is no more hope, alas, there is one more.
23. Never judge a "piece of junk" spaceship from the outside. More often than not, "she's got it where it counts."
24. Beware of judging someone else's beliefs as just a "hokey religion." You just may end up eating those words.
25. Never buy anything from a short, hooded, smelly guy.
26. It's never my fault.
27. Never judge anything by its size.
28. There are those who are less forgiving than Darth Vader.
29. In negotiations, a thermal detonator can come in handy.
30. Donít go into caves!
31. Short green guys with big ears can be more than they seem.
32. Electricity really hurts.
33. Walk in single file to hide your numbers.
34. When wearing Stormtrooper armour, remember to make sure the door's completely open before going through it.
35. Trust yourself.
36. Never tell someone the odds!
37. Never allow yourself to become as clumsy as you are stupid.
38. Always accept apologies.
39. Hokey religions just might be a good substitute for a blaster at your side.
40. Never let your friend know if you're having problems with your droid.
41. Never assume that carbonating someone is "all too easy".
42. Never tell strange creatures in a bar that you'll be careful.
43. Never protest about the terms of an agreement, they might be altered further.
44. Size matters not (now there's one you can use in real life!)
45. Never underestimate a teddy-bear
46. "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
47. "Mind what you have learned, save you it can."
48. Even if it's a great shot, don't get cocky.
49. Never trust a strange computer.
50. You'll always have a bad feeling about something.
51. Never proclaim your "moment of triumph" before it actually happens
52. If "the Force is strong in this one" and you're not, BACK OFF!
53. Never say "watch this" when dealing with a hyperdrive.
54. Don't shoot out the controls to a bridge before youíve crossed it.
55. Make sure to tell your lover that you have a brother first.
56. Never tell a teacher who's been teaching for 800 years who to teach and who not to teach.
57. "It's not my fault!!!"
58. If you want to keep your friends warm, shove them inside a dead animal!!
59. If a droid sneaks up on you while you're kissing a princess, ignore him.
60. If all else fails, angle the deflector shields.
61. If you run a military academy, go over how to deal with small, furry opponents.
62. Always look for trap doors when consulting with a crime lord in his own house.
63. Don't buy used machinery from people dressed in rags, you never know who might come looking for it.
64. NEVER do a Christmas special.
65. If you teach out of a swamp, you can't expect too much in the way of tuition.
66. Dead animals usually smell worse on the inside.
67. If you find any Banthas, don't stick around to see where their riders are.
68. Droids don't taste too good.
69. No matter how protected you are, falling rocks will still hurt.
70. Never assume that that ship you just tractored into your space station is empty, just because your sensors say so.
71. When the people around you are getting shot, it's usually an indication that the guys shooting are bad guys.
72. Never assume responsibility if it means you're likely to be choked to death.
73. That green glop your aunt serves you at dinner is good for you.
74. When your Tauntaun smells something, it's usually a good time to high-tail it outta there.
75. Always allow your opponent to cut you down if it means making things more dramatic.
76. When the guy from 156 gets cut down, try not to stand around screaming. Try blasting something...like a door.
77. Don't turn your back on the parent of the kid you're zapping with lightning bolts.
78. Make sure you aren't so fat you can't get away from an exploding Sail Barge.
79. If your translator droid pisses you off, just plug him into the hyperdrive.
80. When someone tells you to eject, it's probably a good idea.
81. Don't ever leave without giving a goodbye kiss.
82. If someone tries to roast you over an open fire--try to blow it out.
83. Let go of your conscious self and act on instinct.
84. When having your hyperdrive fixed, you should always check it to make sure the work has actually been done.
85. Sometimes it is smart to listen to little green Muppets.
86. You really should fire on lifepods whether there are signs of life or not.
87. When a Hutt tells you that your Jedi mind tricks won't work, believe him.
88. When you say that you are "ready for anything," actually be ready for anything
89. Don't give into your anger.
90. Grasping at your throat will not stop the choking.
91. Freezing people in liquid carbonite makes a good wall decoration.
92. You should always have a co-pilot that speaks a language that only you understand.
93. If you ever build a throne room, NEVER put a great big shaft leading to a big nuclear reactor right in the centre of the room.
94. It is wise not to upset a Wookiee.
95. If you have the money, stop telling Jabba and just pay him.
96. Don't judge someone by their bad grammar.
97. An entire planet could have only one climate
98. Beware of tremors in the Force.
99. Protocol droids are lousy story tellers.
100. It's difficult to send a clear transmission in an asteroid field.
101. The Force can influence the weak-minded.
102. Even in a galaxy far, far away... Tupperware is still being used.
103. If you do not believe, you will always fail.
104. Bottom line, the first time you fight your father, he IS going to kick your sorry ass.
105. When flying objects come at you from behind, for Pete's sake, DUCK!!!!!!
106. When stealing a skiff, make sure it's the one with the magnetic thingies on the bottom!!!
107. Learn Ubese, you never know when you might need it!!!!
108. If you build a Death Star and some farm boy blows it up, just build a new one!
109. If you see a small blue elephant at a party playing a piano, you haven't necessarily drunk too much.
110. Watch out for Stormtroopers that are a little short.
111. Your Tauntaun'll freeze before you reach the first marker.
112. ...But if so, then I'll see you in hell!
113. The middle of a raging battle for the fate of the galaxy is no time for heroics.
114. When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not.
115. When in doubt, go in full throttle.
116. Beware those heart-to-heart talks with Dad. One of you might end up losing an appendage.
117. When sending troops out to a jungle world, made sure they are all wearing black and white, so nobody can see them.
118. Adventure, excitement, a Jedi craves not these things!
119. Try not to look to the future, keep your mind on where you are and what you are doing.
120. Don't ever give any lip to an old man who has yellow eyes and shoots lightning out of his own body.
121. Stay on target!!!!
122. Keep your distance, but don't look like you're trying to keep your distance.
123. When based on an ice planet, don't turn on the thermal heaters.
124. Never travel the Jundland Wastes lightly.
125. Make sure your first catch of the day isn't backed up by a really big ion cannon.
126. Make sure your rocket pack isn't set to go off at the slightest touch before leaping into battle.
127. Travelling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops.
128. Try to keep a little optimism--especially if you're endangering a mission that you shouldn't have come on.
129. Remember, your strength flows from the Force.
130. Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
131. A cool costume + Bare minimum of screen time = Eternal popularity
132. When rescuing a princess, insist on payment in advance.
133. Be sure your ship uses "quick release" seat belts.
134. Fly your speeder bike above the trees in a forest.
135. Leave the spying to Bothans.
136. Old Jedi never die, they just fade away.
137. Never scream when a friend evaporates, and you're trying to secretly make it back to a smugglers ship.
138. Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
139. You must do what you feel is right.
140. Go to the escape shuttle when told that "The attack plan has been analysed, and there is a risk".
141. Make sure the asteroid is entirely stable before you land your ship on it.
142. Nothing can happen without a Bothan spy dying.
143. These are the droids you are looking for, you idiots!
144. Don't try storming an Imperial base unless all of the troopers have been accounted for.
145. When your shield generator is hit, intensify forward shields a.s.a.p.: you never know when a ship may crash into your bridge.
146. Get on board the Executor if possible. Chances are Lord Vader will choke your superior to death and give you the job.
147. Never call bounty hunters scum when they're within earshot.
148. Make sexually tilted lines whenever possible. "Look at the size of that thing!"
149. You should always listen to a Jedi Master when they tell you something; they probably know what they are talking about.
150. It is impossible for a computer to hit a target that is only two meters wide.